ESH

she asked if I was on my way home yet


nothing seems to dull the pain

every cloud seems grainy and dismal

I'm into the old man at the gate for thirty dollars

she says come home

she's universal like a remote that works on everything

reminds me of everything

pressing my buttons

mashing my memories aimlessly

intense like pure unadulterated death defying love

elite and sometimes paralyzed with fear

she wants me home

we haven't spoke in a while

fluid and sublime

auto pilot

I'm upstairs and all those times you were downstairs seem wasted

role reversal

my hands are hard and cracked and bleeding

I'll come back to you

we can get to know each other again

like old times when all of this was still very novel

she said come home

I'm working on it

feel like the world is standing on my chest

stomping a slow and methodical tempo through my heart

shooting in my head

my hands seem so dirty all the time

echo x2

I'm here and gone

here and now

coming up on 0-dark thirty

she's tired of asking me to get home

has to be tired of waiting on phone calls

tired of being tired I'm sure

I'll find you tonight if only in my dreams

panoramic view in black in white

i don't dream in color

it's always so emotionally exhausting

she lingers in color

i single out certain memories when i sleep

filter them

cut and paste

gently frame by frame like an editor

hold that one right there

my hands seem so soiled and lewd

she needs me home

zoom in on that one

pause and bring it in to focus

i want to look at her smile

not the full one

not the cheesy one

the solitude and seclusion is what I'm vying for

there it is

right there

that half smirk

just before the magic

on the verge of her eyes lighting up

there is a certain truth in there

passed her teeth and throat

down inside her

a real threat to me

hiding in her heart

the one thing you can't lose

way over my head

dying to get home

although it's only been a few weeks, it's also been a few years

compressed

home is where you lay your head and to my disadvantage that is a false statement

i remember when this was easier

unattached

vanished like her lipstick

it gets absorbed into our skin

i miss her

i get carried away in pictures

in memories

in stories i tell about her to people who could quite possibly care less

we listen to each other and always attempt to understand

we deal separately together

fully aware that thousands of miles away has a very profound effect on the soul

heavy like hell or your rendition there of

she screams come home

I'm killing to

my hands seems so callused and filthy all the time

can't get them clean

these are tests

payback for something I'm sure

it's taken time and patience to be convinced that all of my sins have been justified and neatly wrapped up in patriotism

wrapped up tight with several bows and lifetimes worth of ribbon

torment we can't visit very often

being back brings it up like acid reflux

unwrapping itself from the inside

presented in a short write up

same as every other channel

delivered to each of your televisions

whenever each of you can stomach to watch the news or can't find anything else on

i can't wash this off

she dreams come home

give me some time

selfish statement

it's a painful process

i guess we will all make it home sooner or later