More than I could (NJH)

There is a sadness in your eyes that wasn’t always there


I pray for you

There are three certain truths:

I won’t live forever

I won’t always have you here

It angers me to think of the other two

Simple and concise

I lean more on anger than sorrow, love or desolation these days

Putting forth any and all energy I have to not think about it

I won’t ever give up on us

We have a unique relationship

We love each other and although you can’t always remember me I try to understand enough for the both of us

Understand this isn’t our fault

Understand I’ll always be with you even when I’m not

I can’t always understand

You taught me how to play dominos

How to be proactive

How to fall asleep watching the Andy Griffith show

Although it made no sense to me then…… you taught me how to pray at night and here we are

You taught me how to pick weeds

How to earn a dollar the hard way through sweat and calluses

You worked and worked and worked

I suspect that you will create a few more monsters in me

A few more reasons to be aggravated with the world and more so with myself

What do you do when the sunshine is gone?

It’s a cold wicked world

A very long ride

I can only assume you can’t see it the way I do

Can’t be amazed with what you’ve seen

With what you’ve done

With what you’ve witnessed

With whom you’ve witnessed for and to

Amazing woman, I’ve been missing you since about 1998 at best guess

Amazing woman you have so much of my love

I would like to reserve some for my own mother

Some for my wife and children but you’ve got a little piece of all it

It aggravates me that I don’t have a choice

Drawing you pictures when I was a child and you enjoyed all of them

Drawing you into the reasons you shouldn’t leave me

Selfish?

Of course …..

Inside of some crazy delusion I’ll pretend you aren’t sick

I’ll pray for you

Your fine, your young, you still live on a farm in the middle of no man’s land

100 kids

200 animals

1 husband who likes to drink a lot more than he should

I think I understand your pain just a little

A man who may very well be misunderstood but I can’t seem to give the benefit of the doubt

Seems like we have been to hundreds of churches together although it may have only been 3 or 4

I was so young and you were still so very old and that was 15 yrs ago so I don’t know what that makes us now?

Where do you go when the sunshine is gone?

No final church visit

No matter how disrespectful

The lord has been with you through all of this

More than I could

I don’t know if it’s jealously or envy I feel more towards him…

And as you rest

I will hold it against him for many years to come

For taking my sunshine

There were horrible times

Many difficult situations

Inconsistent battlefields

Different countries, different enemies, different shadows to hide in and attack from

Losing men for no apparent reason

Losing myself in each one of them

Getting closer to you

Scared sometimes

All it took was a glimpse

Some old memory

Some reason to fight harder

Some unimportant thing that brought on nostalgia,

Gravy you made from scratch with the grease from the chicken you fried

Watching you mix it and add milk and stir it and add milk and singing to old 8 tracks in the kitchen

off in your own world without a care in the world…

Absolutely meaningless memory that wouldn’t mean much to anyone else but me I guess

I pray for you

Strong eyes then frail

I’m always down in there

In your heart

Recognize me or not

I love you