exactly 5 years to the minute

so we had my brother's memorial service on Fri evening and it was short and sweet and informal, the way he would have liked it
what a very odd week it has been
the whole circle of life thing
for the first 3 or 4 years of my life it was just me and my mother
she then married my step father who raised me as his own and I never really thought of him as a step father
he was my dad and a good one for that matter
he had a son from a previous marriage who came to live with us at a young age
he was back and forth between us and his home but as the years progressed and his stays got longer and longer
I never really thought of him as a step brother, he was my brother and a good one for that matter
he was genuinely a good person, would help anyone with anything although his decision making skills were his downfall...
my father died 5 years ago in a small hospital in the middle of nowhere Texas
my brother died last week on a back road driving home from work in the middle of nowhere Texas
and here we are, just me and my mother alone again
I can't imagine what it would feel like to lose a spouse and a son within a  5 year time period
I hope to never have to feel that pain
my brothers services were held from 6 to 730 at night
it was over by 7 and 7 is when my father died exactly 5 years earlier
so odd
well I'm not sure what happens now
I feel confused
I'm 32 and I honestly am unsure how to do this
everything has changed and almost nothing has changed
there is a huge empty gaping hole in my heart
damn it all